Friday, 17 June 2011

When Love isn't Enough

I know this girl. Let's call her Sunshine because that's what she is like; a great big dollop of goodness that puts you in a good mood.

I wouldn't exactly say we are friends but we talk and are very cordial. For a month or so, she hasn't been so full of said sunny disposition. She has been really down and didn't want to talk about it. I had an idea of what was wrong and when she eventually did, it turns out I was spot on.

She moved to the UK for a man. She left her family and everything she knew and loved to move to a new continent with a man she thought she would get married to and have kids with. This was about 9 years ago. Things were good for about 6 months then they started to go horribly bad. He became incredibly possessive. She couldn't go out. She couldn't have friends outside of his friends. He took full control of the meagre wages she earned., seeing as she couldn't work more than a certain amount of hours a day.If she so much as five minutes late home, he would question her.

Then the beating started. It was a slap here and there at first; when they got into a heated argument. It then became a regular occurence. She only needed to look at him the wrong way for him to punch her. She still had to send money home to her family; an amount he regulated.

She had no one to confide in, he basically owned her. The way she was able to get out of the hellish relationship was when he went back to his native Jamaica for a family emergency. She packed her things and RAN. She decided to stay in London because the didn't want to go back to her country without having achieved anything.

A few months later, she got a promotion and started doing a bit better for herself. She saved up enough money to go home for a holiday and met a guy there. So in need to be in love and to be loved she dove into the new relationship head first. This time the man moved here and 8 months after they met, they were married. She honestly thought the beginning of the rest of her life had started. Except it hadn't.

He couldn't get a job at first so she paid for everything, rent included. They lived in a small room, sharing a flat with students. This was ok though because that's what you do when you are married. You make sacrifices in the hope that the future gets better.Except it didn't.

 He decided that he would stop looking for a job and go to school full time to study basketball because he had it in him that he would be the next big thing even though he is 33 years old.  She took out loans to pay his school fees because he told her he would 'pay her back'. She would leave the flat at 7am to go to work and wouldn't get home till 9pm but would still have to cook and clean because all he did was watch basketball and play video games.

He left her 2 years ago because; in his words; 'Their life was boring and she always nagged'. She begged him to take her back and promised that she will try to work things out her end as long he promised to do the same.

They got back together and things were OK for a while. She says she tried to nag less. He still didn't look for a job. She still paid for everything. She tried to carry on the best way she knew how to. Then a month ago, he left her again because 'she wasn't trying enough for him'. He is with his lecturer now. He has moved in with her; even though she also knew that he was married and had met Sunshine a few times. Things aren't so straightforward this time though. She just found out she is pregnant.

He wants nothing to do with the baby. He already has 3 kids by 3 different women back in the States that he doesn't take care of.

I broke down in tears for her when she told me her story because I really felt for her.She said all she has ever done is to try to love; all she has ever wanted is to be loved. She has given everything she can to men only for them to treat her like a leper. She is in £30000 worth of debt because of this man. She doesn't know where to start from. She is 34, living in a room with a baby on the way.

I know she could have done things differently the second time round but to be honest, I can understand the need to be loved, especially after coming out of a very bad relationship. She jumped to the first man that treated her decently.

I didn't have anything to say to her except cry. What to do say when someone bares their soul in this way?

My question is that is love ever enough? When will men realise that taking women for granted is just plain evil? Why are people so cold hearted?

xxPretty Lashesxx

34 comments:

  1. I really feel for your friend.

    I have one in a very similar position - I will blog about her when she is strong enough.

    However, I have to say that in a relationship - one can only be badly treated if one allows it.

    Yes, I love my husband. I have been with him since I was 17 years and I can honestly say he is my soulmate.

    However, will I get a loan because he has some dream that does not make sense. A big NO.

    It might sound harsh but love should never blind you. If one loves a snake...remember, he is still a snake. It is up to you to find a way not to get bitten.

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  2. I love that statement about loving a snake.

    I agree with you Naijamum, there are some things I will never do for a man but having said that, shouldn't we take into account her past experience when considering her behaviour?

    Cab't wait to hear about your friend. It will be interesting to see her perspective

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  3. :( .... THIS IS sad, like extremely sad. I feel bad for her.....
    But wait a minute, the first guy was a douche bag granted, but the second guy mehn, he had smoke signals all over the place o. I mean who goes to school "to study basketball" at 33???? are you kidding me.
    I honestly think someone of authority needs to advice woman, black women especially " marriage doesn't define you", life doesn't start at marriage and it will not end there, I know I am only 24 and I might have a narrow view of the world, but this "my life will be over if I never get married" attitude needs to stop, that is why girls go around dealing with sH*T relationships all in the hopes that the guy might finally "change" and make them a Mrs. cheiiiii ~x(.

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  4. This is very sd indeed and I do feel for her because I know what its like to be "a fool in love" But i gotta go with N.I.L on this one. You can only be treated the way you allow yourself to be treated. When you allow yourself to be blinded by love, you overlook all the warning signs and stay when you should be running for your life.
    My best to her and her baby. I hope that eventually she finds a man that will love her and her child the right way and I pray she has the wisdom to be able to tell when that man comes.

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  5. Feel sorry for her, hope she doesn't make a similar mistake again 'because her baby needs a father'. She should steer well clear of relationships till she has figured out a way forward, AND she has had the baby. Pregnancy hormones are renowned for messing with one's thought processes. She needs to love herself for who she is, then she will not need a man's love to affirm her. Citizens Advice Bureau might be able to help her with info on how to service her debts, sometimes they are written off, wishing her all the best.
    P.s love NIL's comment about loving a snake....

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  6. i will never love a man that doesn't have ambition. i just can't. love is never enough, i have said this over and over again. i will take an ambitious nice man who treats me well every time over some self absorbed prick that i supposedly love.
    some people are just in love with the idea of being in love. lets try and be realistic. there's romance in books and movies and there is real life romance.
    i feel sorry for her but really, she has to face the music herself.

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  7. That's a sad one, but I’m happy for her though, she is alive and hopefully has learnt a lot from her experiences to make the best of her life now. She needs to realize nothing and no one can love her the way only God can and she has to love herself.
    We all want to be loved but how much are we willing to pay for that love. She has a baby on the way and a bright future regardless of how bleak everything looks now. I pray she finds her sunshine again and shine brighter than she has ever.

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  8. There's no need crying over spilt milk, what she should be thinking of now is herself and the coming baby. I suggest she goes for divorce and finds a good lawyer who may be able to help her get some of that debt to be paid by the man as well as alimony and child support.

    Cosign NIL comment too.

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  9. *sigh* this is such a shame sha.. in some situations all you can do at the moment is cry with them.

    i really don't know what to say cos she has been beaten twice with 2 men she thought she loved..

    i hope she comes through this strong.

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  10. Omg! Now that's really sad. Poor her! Please ladies learn to love with your heads and hearts at the same time. These stories are very rampant these days. Why are a lot of guys just turning out like this these days?! Immediately it got to the point where she was working all day and he wasn't offering any form of help, rather just lazying around the house, that should have been the time for some major thinking process.
    God please help her.

    Meanwhile, I can't follow your blog for days now I've been trying. Thank God you have a link to your profile, otherwise I'm not sure I'd be able to find my way here sometimes.

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  11. Really sad story. We women should really guide our hearts and finances. And personally for me, I don't give second chances to people who treat me bad.

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  12. Wow that story is emotional, its a very similar situation to someone I know, who was married to a man and had five children, the man made no contribution whatsoever, he worked but kept the money for himself. The women even took out loans to send him to university so he could qualify as a lawyer, on top of that he used to beat her soo bad, that she suffered a miscarriage, finally she has seen the light and left him. Unfortunately this is the world we live in, a man will take you for granted if you allow him too. We need to be strong women and think with our heads, because love does not last forever nor does it pay the bills.

    http://daeze.blogspot.com/

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  13. What's even more sad about this is that of the guy gets dumped by his current fling and comes back and begs your friend to take him back - she will in a blink of an eye.

    Your friend needs to love herself, no one will love you if you don't love yourself! You cannot get people to love you by constantly putting yourself down to please them, that is NOT love.

    I think she has a very low esteem of herself and feels a high need to be with someone, even when they treat her wrong. This whole thing may just be a blessing in disguise for her, she is now on her own and she will find the strength.

    I pray God will give her the inner peace and wisdom that she needs at this time and all the resources to help her in future. Single ladies - love yourself and be loving to others. Love is not pleasing others at the expense of yourself. Only marry a man you know truly loves and cares for you. When a man constantly sees nothing wrong with a lady being the breadwinner and major contributor - yawa don gas be that o!

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  14. Thank you all for stopping by, I agree with all of you, it stems mostly from self hate with her, she just wants to be loved and doesn't see just how much of a princess she is.

    @Honest, I have to say I agree with you, she most probably will take him back.

    The guy even told her that he doesn't like black women because they cause too much drama. He is black by the way and she isn't. It just goes to show how petty he is, eliminating a whole race of women because he knows he won't be able to get away with the bullshit.

    MrsJB, I tire for this blogger wahala, I'm aware of the situation; I've emailed them to sort it out but only God knows when that will be.

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  15. It pisses me off when i see women dating a guy who already has 2 kids with different women,not to talk of 3.Was she that dumb? I'm sorry i don't agree with the fact that you fall in love without using a tiny little bit of your head.Some people prove their dumbness when they fall into some kind of situations.I feel sorry for her,but this would teach her a lesson!

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  16. lord, i've heard so many bad relationship stories, i'm even scared of men now,lol. That dude is jst terrible! girls need to realize that one-sided love jst doesnt cut it!

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  17. Oh no! I was really hoping to get to the end and find a note saying that the story was fiction, but no, it had to be real...I feel very sorry for your friend, and I pray that God sorts her and her baby out.

    I agree with NIL too.

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  18. Hmmm.

    I don't think it's really a man-woman thing as much as it is two people not having the proper foundation. Clearly, he was the rebound guy. You don't ever want to marry the rebound guy. Most times - I think - if you're patient enough and if you open your eyes well, you'll realize you don't love the rebound guy. He's just there to make you feel better temporarily.

    The man was probably not doing much (work wise) before he moved to be with her. He only continued what he had been doing all along. I'm so sorry to hear about this anyway. I don't know when or how, but some day, she'll stop crying.

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  19. Really sad...
    Going forward, she needs to be strong for herself and her baby. What's done is done. She can still have a great life if she doesn't let her past overwhelm her.
    Difficult? Yes. Impossible? No.

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  20. This is really sad. Some guys just dont appreciate it when they see real love. I believe that with time she would be healed. However, not all men "take women for granted." Love is a double edged sword we must thread with open eyes.

    Your writing style is cool.

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  21. A9ja, I agree with you in that women can sometimes be blind when it comes to love, I am just trying really hard to see it from her point of view. Will a woman feel the need to be wanted so bad that she will accept any man?

    Miss KitKat, don't be scared o! Hope you are enjoying your holiday!

    Doyin, I really wish it wasn't true. I almost didn't believe that all that could happen to one woman.

    Vera, you have a point about not marrying the rebound guy. You are also right about him not doing anything workwise. She told me that day that his family have sort of washed their hands off him because of his attitude, That alone should have rang some alarm bells.

    Gbemi, I think she knows she needs to be strong, the problem is getting the strength. Luckily she has her faith but I know she is still struggling.

    Thank you all for dropping by.
    xx

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  22. (sighs deeply):(
    I pray for inner strength for your friend and that she is reminded of her 'priceless' worth no matter what. Dear sisters,it is time to walk the talk,pray for each other and watch out for one another,take the risk,bluntly speak the truth even if she no longer regards u as a friend.Some ladies choose the blind route no matter the advice and prayers but let's try.

    May she experience beauty for her ashes as she makes better choices in life.Huggsss!

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  23. So this is a white lady? These white women need to know that these jobless black men are never up to any good. I feel sorry for her. I cant imagine what she is going through but I know it must be terrible. Time they say heals everything.

    I pray she finds the strength from within to deal with this not the strength from a man.

    Women please shine your eyes and stay away from these potential-less brothers. Anyone can call you a Gold digger if they want.

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  24. I think the main thing at the end of the day is choosing who you decide to love wisely.

    The bible says that we should not put a gold ring in the snout of a pig.

    This means that we shouldn't give something of value to anyone who will not appreciate it.

    I feel so bad for your friend, the only mistake she ever made was loving the wrong person.

    My prayer is that God pulls her through this difficult times and that she comes out shining.

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  25. Aunty, I will comment for the first time today.
    I am not happy with your blog o, I have been trying to follow you for the past three weeks but you follower gadget, 'Lash Lovers', has refused to load on my system. Please look into it cos I wanna follow and read your posts regularly.

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  26. @ilola, lol, oya sorry. I tire for this blogger, I emailed blogger already, they said they will sort it out soon.

    You can follow from your blogger dashboard though.

    Mimi B, not putting a gold ring on the snout of a pig summarizes everything about this whole situation perfectly, she seems stronger already, perhaps because she knows she has someone else to care for. Hopefully she stays this way.

    Kelly, lol; she is white, yes. Funny enough, both men were black. At the risk of sounding completely racially biased, there may be a reason why black men treat these women like this. They may see them as 'weaker' than their black counterparts. I am not saying that things like this only happens to non black women but its just an observation I have made.

    Toyin, I really pray she keeps getting stronger. Its not just about her alone now.

    Thank you all for dropping by.
    xx

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  27. Men like this deserve to be castrated ...seriously and the stupid lecturer, why is she not paying the debt...Love is never enough, it has never been.
    I understand her need to feel loved but this is really sad.

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  28. That is some disturbing story...say what?!

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  29. That is an incredibly sad story. I dont even know what to say. I hope with all my heart that she gets out of this situation x

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  30. wow! i feel bad for your friend...and as much as i understand the need to be loved ( i can be very needy) the most important love is to be loved by God and to love yourself..Your friend needs to learn to love herself, enjoy her own company n learn that when a man loves u its not because u bend over backwards to do evrything for him..but simply because he loves u!
    For now Just be there for her..let her know its not her fault but when she is stronger try n level with her so she doesnt make the same mistakes all over.

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  31. wow this is a horrible situation, i dont even know what to say. its high time women realized that two thirds of this present generation of men aged 20 - 59 are lazy, gold diggers and plain evil. I nearly found myself in this situation and had a strong urge to love and be loved but thank God some how my love no dey reach money. lol. Once i caught myself spending on a guy i ran as fast as i could, and truth be told, now that i am married i have looked back on the few guys who "were struggling" and they are still struggling. Na wetin i for chop. I wish all girls knew this. God will see her through IJN.

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  32. I totally agree with @N.I.L and Myne!

    God wasn't blind to the fact that Eve ate the apple and gave to Adam. But he didn't question Eve! He questioned Adam because he gave him the responsibility of taking care of everything in the garden!

    When we ignore danger signals with the hope that things will get better, we will answer for it

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  33. Wow!!! Do you know that song Sometimes Love just aint enough? Love is just a feeling oh- there are lots more stuff to consider!! Poor her though

    PS. I've changed my blog url! I decided to keep the blog on Blogger after all. Check out the link: http://museorigins.blogspot.com. Sorry for the inconvenience X_x

    Adiya
    Muse Origins (formerly The Corner Shop)

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